Some 20-25 years ago as a teenager in School, a teacher once told me and the rest of the class the following metaphor (as I recall it now).
Two persons look at a roof top and distinguish a bird sitting at top of the roof. The distance is far so it is difficult to see the details, but one of the persons suddenly says: "what a beautiful peacock!" The other one looks at him bemused and says "that's not a peacock. It's a rooster!" Then the two persons burst into an argument on this matter which lasted for quite some time.
What my teacher then told us is something important I think: Sometimes the truth is different for different people, but it still is a truth. It is important to remember, and respect, that there may be different versions of the truth which are correct in their own way.
I have come to reflect upon the essence of this very often over the years and I feel I would like to write some fine grained aspects of this:
The "truth" is context dependent and it is not always absolute.
Both persons arguing actually believe they are right, and in a fundamental way, they are therefore both correct. In order to understand this perspective it is vital to consider the context. The context in this example is quite complex since you must take into account things like eye sight capability and what the actual conception of what a rooster and a peacock are. Nevertheless, the person with poorer eye sight or perhaps lesser bird knowledge, still perceive his belief according to his own context. That makes it a truth.
Most likely, you are thinking the same thing as I have been thinking for so many years. But. There is an actual correct truth. Take mathematics for instance. There always a correct answer there, right? I mean, 1+1 will always be 2, correct? However. If the context is Boolean logical mathematics, 1+1 is actually equal to … 1. So whatever truth you have, for sure someone can probably pull a rabbit from a habit by bringing a completely different context into the picture which will make your established truth completely wrong.
For sure, if the two persons go closer to the building they probably will discover the correct truth. And this is actually where the story continues:
The two men found they could not reach an agreement so they decided to walk closer to get a better look. Soon they realized that it was not actually a real bird, but a statue of a bird. More than that, once they got to see the details neither of them could really tell what kind of bird it was.
Ah! Now we are getting closer to reality I think. For sure, there are often truths out there which can be found when digging deeper. But very often we find ourselves in a situation where we have to accept a good enough truth. One that works for the context we are in. This is a practical truth. But let’s turn our attention in another direction for a while.
Always choose the most important topic for discussion.
Have you ever found yourself having several discussions going at the same time with someone? Well, it happens to me unfortunately. Before having agreed upon an initial deviation of opinion, the next deviation comes up. To make things even worse, the knot to untie the first disagreement depends upon the second one to be solved. This can continue in a discussion until you find yourself arguing over 5-6 very different topics at the same time. Don’t do this. Set your foot down early and stick on track is my advice.
That’s one of the things that make discussions such a difficult art. Having several different unfinished topics going on at the same time I consider a sure path to hell…
But let’s us turn our focus to the two persons again. The first person said that it was a beautiful peacock. His main point at the moment probably was that it was beautiful, not necessarily that it was a peacock. That is a sensation he had and one that he felt he wanted to share. By doing that he found himself ending up in a discussion that probably had nothing to do with his original sensation. I think both persons could have given in to this less prioritized matter by saying something like “oh, perhaps you are right”. Then they could have focused on the original and probably more important message: beautiful or not…
I’ve met some people who loves throwing arguments in a heated discussion and who might even provoke a person in order to get it. I’ve also come across some people who have even lied about their true opinions in a discussion since they wanted to test the opponents’ arguments. Truly, this is a dangers road to walk I think. In the end the person often end up confessing that he had not really been speaking his true opinion. In most cases such a person end up losing my trust. And whoever listens to a person that you don’t trust?
So let’s get back to a final aspect of the considering truths in a discussion:
Considering someone else's truth is about showing respect and having patience.
With the above aspects in mind it becomes a whole lot easier to actually listen to people in a discussion/argument. Quite clearly the more confident of an opinion we become, the more difficult it is to be open and appreciate different ways or slightly different truths.
In a very important perspective, listening and appreciating other peoples truths is the most important component in a discussion. You will never truly "win" a discussion if you don't pay the other person respect by giving him the proper feedback that you are actually listening and understanding his truth. I also think it is best if this effort is sincere. Be open to that you both have a version of the truth (or even that you can be wrong) and you will both probably gain a better understanding of a deeper truth in the end. I firmly believe this is the key to successful communication and I am constantly trying to become better at. And I must admit I sometimes fail due to lack of patience... But, hey, the road to perfection is a long and fun one!
via http://softwarearia.com/2009/01/17/IsItAPeacockAndARooster.aspx
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